Murmurs of A Little Boy

Rusty

2007-06-16T21:06:00.000+08:00

That's Rusty having her little nappy in my room

Here she was...such a good girl at the coffee shop...so adorable!!

And here she is with her cute tee....

People used to say that mongrels aren't really smart. Well, I'm not too sure about that fact though. I found Rusty near my neighbourhood. She has 3 brothers, white with brown spots all over their body and a brown 'eye patch' like a Jack Russell. I would have taken all four of them back home, but knowing my housemates, they'll go berserk and kick me out of the house!! Rusty was the only one who came and sat beside my leg, licking my toes...she was so adorable!! It was like, she chose me...I wasn't the one making the choice.Ha ha. Such a darling. Back to the smart thing, despite being a mongrel, Rusty can actually shake hands, sit on demand and fetch!! And she learned each of it in only one day!! ;-)

Home

2007-06-15T23:37:00.000+08:00

That's Rusty!!!

Hey hey hey people, I am back. and this time, I hope for good. I've been gone for quite a while, had gone through a hell of a time last year till early this year, and things are seemingly better right now. After an emotional roller-coaster ride, I'm somewhat more calmed right now and just laughing at the pictures that were taken when I was on the ride. The pictures reflected how I fought through the hurling wind on the roller-coaster, how I held my breath and screamed at times, knowing that the ride will, eventually-end. It's crazy- the feeling during the ride, i was suffering, man I was. But I'm not going to revel over what has happened (however, hopefully learn from it).

As I begin writing again, I question my ability to journal my life here, as I tend to be extremely lazy and man, this post is sooooo boring. ugh.

I've lost so much weight and gained 2x more now, and gonna have to deal with my binging!! Ha ha.

Anyways, I've got a little puppy now to keep me company. Found her on the street. She's the most adorable dog....

So, hello again, people, i am back.

2007-01-21T09:57:00.000+08:00

AIDS Awarness Movie

Watch it guys

From placentas to colours of magenta

2006-11-29T18:58:00.000+08:00

As I hurt my legs standing hours in the labour room with the fishy stench of fresh blood that is nauseating, my condition is further aggravated with flashes of memories of Patrick and I.

It’s weird. As I separate the placental membrane, inspecting the cotyledons and the like, I was suddenly brought back to the days when we used to lie in bed, talking about what we’re going to do for Christmas, my birthday, the holidays after my First Professional Exams…..only to be awaken again by the sight of an infarct on one of the cotyledons, indicated by the yellowish –tan colour of it.

The more I try to move on, the more I try to think the hurtful things he did to me, the more I’m drawn to NOT forgetting him. The problem with me is I easily forgive. I never like the feeling of having hurt anybody. I keep thinking of the time when he sent me the lyrics to the song HURT by Christina, claiming that he feels like I’m singing the song to him, after the break up.

I mean, come on!! I was begging him to continue with the relationship, he was the one who misinterpreted everything and made his own decision. What’s worst, he said he didn’t love me. That was the most hurtful of it all. Here I was saying I loved him more than anything, and he just slaps me on the face with his cruel words.

Read Derek’s blog, and I must say I’m under the category of “20-something who wishes to meet the one and just live with that one”

I don’t look for sex and stuff. I want love, full of sincerity and honesty. Yeah, ask me to take a train down to la la wonderland, but is it too much to ask for some understanding?

I will never understand why he lied. I will never understand why he knows that I love him and cannot accept it.

When I start thinking that way, I look at the guys who love me, but unreciprocated by me. Take KM for example, he loves me so much. Wrote me songs, poems, calls me everyday to make sure I’m ok….I told him that I don’t love him, and have been treating him only as a friend. At times I feel bad as I feel that maybe I might be leading him on. But he is PERSISTENT to the point of annoyance. I’ll just be a friend I guess.

But it’s different with Patrick as we HAD a relationship.

I’m sick. I’m pathetic. I don’t even know how to move on. When I think of him, I wonder if he is working today. Is he all right? Is he lonely? Does he have problems that he cannot deal with? I worry about him more than myself, as he is weak, and only needs love. (That I foolishly gave). He didn’t appreciate it. Oh well…

Anyways, I stole a little time to blog here. I got to take a quick shower and head back to the nauseating labour room and hopefully assist in one tonight. It’s going to be a long night tonight: On call, preparation for tomorrow’s Post Partum Haemorrhage and The Task Based Learning on Induction of Labour, and to top it all off, the Dance practice for next week’s sport week.

I love you Patrick.

Violated

2006-11-28T13:48:00.000+08:00

From the time I was teenager, the harassment never took a rest. A walk to the shop cannot be without having a guy stop me asking for an address only to have fondled me. I cannot go to a public toilet without having men come back in and pretend to pee beside me, only to have a look at my dick. I had flashers before, people who approached for sex, and some had the nerve to trail me back. Where I worked temporarily, the dickhead was such a horny bastard, he sexually harassed me every freaking day, and I finally left after a month. The hotel I was working at as a receptionist, there I had tones of assholes who wanted to fuck me, blow me, and just sexually exploit me. They had always put me in a spot. But to God’s grace I guess, I was saved at times….

After the bad break-up with Patrick, I had such a terrible week crying day and night, skipped classes (God damn it, it’s Obstetrics!!), and turned into an ugly looking tears emitting shit. Yesterday, I felt better, and I called a person that I had a lot of trust in to have a talk with regarding my problem

He is no other than the priest from my church.

He knew all about me from before, me being gay and my struggles with it. He understood how I felt and was always there to hear my confessions and give me my penance duties. I trusted him.

Driving all the way back to KL to see him was rewarding. He allayed my worries and put things back into perspective. I felt better. Much better. I honestly did not regret my decision of going there.

But there was a high price I had to pay, and I’m not talking about cash or saying the rosary 1000 times.

Never mind that every other horny guy out there – from the Medical Assistant in the hospital to my fucked-up Pakistani neighbour – look at me as a sex object and dared enough to harass me sexually, I least expected the person I trusted to go out of line.

At this point, people will be thinking that I land myself into this problem. Hell you know.

After the talk with him, he offered a hug. A hug is what I truly needed. A hug from the priest, a father, was comforting and I just dropped all my worries over the shoulder of the person I was hugging. I still remember his last question before he hugged me…and I answered “I want my father who left me”

As he continued to hug me, and as I continued to feel safe in his arms, his hands gently slipped into areas it shouldn’t have moved into. I was shocked, appalled, and yet had not the courage to tell him I was not comfortable at all. He said I was ashamed of myself, my body….he said I should be proud…

“You’re a good man. You’re good looking, you have a great body. You have it all. Everyone will love you. You are so lovable. You have to know that’

And slowly, he unbuttoned my jeans, my underwear……and that was when I realized he had crossed the line.

He kept asking if I was ok with it….how am I supposed to be ok? Can’t you see what you’re doing? I came here for solace and comfort, I was comforted, yes, and it’s true…but why?

He took me to another room – for medicine for the poor- and he began hugging me again. This time, he pulled everything off me. He continued to hug me. He kissed me. He bent down and placed my dick into his……..

If he thought I was enjoying it, he was wrong. I tried to hold my tears from trickling down my cheeks.

Blood rushed to my head, but it impinged my ability to think and voice out. At that point, I could only tell myself, if this is what he needs in return of a good advice, so be it.

I think his conscience hit him soon and he realized it, he stopped. He told me that I now know his secret. He claimed that he used to jump from one man to another, but finally learned that only God can give you peace.

Yes, my priest is gay.

And he is human. He exploited me when I was at my most vulnerable state. I will never understand why he did that. I, for one, do not want to think about it, it hurts me deep inside, and it’s shameful. I cannot help but wonder if he thought that that was what I wanted.

He apologized, and claimed that he was only human.

Despite being a priest, yes, he is human, and none of us have the right to judge him, as, whatever he does, God will deal with him, and he will have to deal with god.

As for me, I just want to remember the part where he comforted me with his advice and good words. It helped me a lot in moving on with my life. As for what he did after that……..I don’t know. I could have never asked him to stop. Call me stupid, I don’t care. You may think I liked it. I don’t care.

I only needed comforting words and a hug. The rest, like he said, I’ll

“Chalk it up to experience, that’s the real world out there”

And the real world it is.

I was a fool

2006-11-26T21:11:00.000+08:00

The pain is so intense, I'm so hurt....I cannot continue to feel this pain, I feel like ending my life, and all this will be over......

I gave you my whole, my soul, my honest and sincere love....I was a fool to believe you. I was a fool to believe that people change, I was an idiot to trust you when you said what you said.

Part of me bleeds because you made me believe that i'm the one who caused the hurt, but it's you, it's you that cause the hurt, you hurt me, and you say that I blame you?

I didn't do anything honey. I loved you. I tried to be the person that you preferred to be with. I'm a fool.

I cannot stand this pain, this ache. No one has hurt me this way.....

I'm afraid to give my heart to anyone else....I dare not even think of a relationship.....

My heart is still bleeding and I'm sick....I'm slowy dying....

I'm sorry for everything. I feel sorry for myself.

This hurt is too much to bear......

Hurt

2006-11-26T18:28:00.000+08:00

Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday
When I saw your face
You told me how proud you were,
But I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..
By hurting you

I was right........

2006-11-23T00:07:00.000+08:00

Life is just full of its mysteries. Four months of emotional investment and sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings, just ended like it never meant anything to begin with. Why does love have to hurt so badly? As I read my previous posts I realized that the scene was glaringly stating the obvious: That I should not , SHOULD NOT get into a relationship with Patrick, my first love.

When I walk down the past four months, flashes of good and bad memories past right in front of my eyes, revealing the times I exposed that of me which no one has ever seen, felt, or experienced. He called me everyday for the past for months- for four months I felt great knowing that someone out there loves me, even though we only met on a weekly basis.

There were so many signs pointing that I should run away from this relationship. Heck, even his best friend threw hints at me from the beginning but I just never got it.

He lied to me at the very beginning - that he doesn’t have a boyfriend. I believed him, of course until I uneventfully discovered that he actually does have a boyfriend! At that point, he did all he could to explain to me the reason why he had to lie. Me, being as dumb as an ass fell for his explanation. I looked back at moments where I brought myself so low-just so that he would feel good. Waited- for so long until he broke it off with his ex. Calmed him down whenever he turned angry, consoling him when he needed it, helping him with his bad childhood experience.

I gave so much. I’m not saying he didn’t. However, he was insensitive.

All I wanted was pure love and a little time. I didn’t demand much. I didn’t ask for gifts. I was not possessive, abusive or crazy like all his ex-boyfriends. I was understanding.

It hurt.

My friends revealed to me that I was not too happy about the relationship- I had more bad memories than good. Was I that blind? Why?

We had so much planned- my birthday, a holiday to Thailand, meeting my mum and my brother who calls him Uncle Patrick- all gone in one day’s notice.

It was clear that he wasn’t sincere about the relationship. He didn’t want it as bad as I wanted it. He was selfish. It was always about him. His way. His rules. His understanding. His dealings. When was it going to be about me?

He misunderstood when I asked him to take time to think if he really wants me in his life. He took the opportunity to twist my words and just took it as a break up. I have never cried so much. I cried crazy in front of him – hoping that some form of compassion will emerge from his cold, heartless soul to comfort me and give me what I want – 100% of his love. I gave 100% , and I don’t think it’s wrong to expect the same.

Ever since his ex became sick, he treated me coldly. I know he is the most important person in your life – you said it to my face- I’ll be stupid not to understand. I understood how important he is to you, but do you have to shove me aside? I am your lover god damn it, I will go through whatever problems you have with you. I’ll face them with great courage, if its that important to you. But why did you have to say such hurtful words?

I forgave whatever you said and did. I love you Patrick, I love you. You said you knew I loved you more than you did. Was that an indication for taking me for granted?

I begged you yesterday, to give us a second chance, because the naïve me sees a hope, a light at the end of every tunnel. I thought if you saw me, you will change your mind. Instead, you threw even more hurtful words at me. Why was I stupid to even stand there?

When will you see that no one, no one is going to treat you as well as I do? Probably the only person whom you can be with happily is with someone who is 100% like you.

I still love you Patrick. Why am I so deeply in love with you. Three days with hardly any sleep, food and water…Cried my eyes out….But looks like it’s not going to bring me what I want, - your love. I promised to be there with you all the time. I meant it. At least, I meant whatever I said; it was never a ‘figure of speech’.

I don’t know how I am going to continue now. Every single thing I look at brings me back to you. It may have been only four months, but it means the world to me. I can never open my heart again to anyone else. The heartache is unbearable- I feel like putting an end to all this, to take my LIFE away…..As it’s not worth living anymore if it’s not with you that I share my love with…..

I cannot take it Patrick – the wound is still bleeding. It hurts…….

I love you with all my heart and I worry how will you be after this…yet another relationship perhaps? That’s how you have lived your life anyway, from one relationship to another. Its pathetic.

I’m not sure if I should thank myself for the decision that I have made, because part of me wishes that I can go back time and change what has happened. But like I said, it was probably what you wanted.

Please take care of yourself Patrick. Change the way you are, please. It is not healthy.

I love you and always will love you.

Why does love have to hurt so bad……

My soul is nothing but a lifeless one right now, floating in mid air, unaware of its destination, sick and dying.

Somebody help me, please. I beg you.

I was right all along ...

LOVE is nothing but a fucked up ILLUSION

I just don't understand why it had to fuck me up.....

2006-09-09T08:16:00.000+08:00

I'm in Love!!!

I'm thinking about you

2006-09-05T23:52:00.000+08:00

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Relationship,relationship..........

2006-08-29T00:31:00.000+08:00

“Life’s a bitch”

-Being hurt has never felt so bad-

After yesterday’s ordeal at Blue Boy, Patrick messaged me saying that he wants to clear all the mess up with me today. To prove that he meant what he was saying, he actually took an emergency leave from work just to come all the way down to meet me, and clear things up. Despite being angry and still a little hurt, I appreciated the fact that he took the day off just to come speak to me, so that the both of us can sort our differences.

As I was saying yesterday, I was ready to take this “friendship” a little further. I just wanted him to explain why he had behaved as such yesterday in the club.

After lunch, we began to talk about yesterday. He was ready to listen to me, and I just went on bombarding about how I felt that he never made me feel special. My question to him was, if he really wanted something from me (in the form of a boy-boy relationship), why didn’t he make an effort to prove that he did? Our minor argument just went on and on, with him justifying all his actions and me, on the other side, obviously justifying all my actions with all my valid substantives like a true debater.

He explained to me that he treated me the way he did that night because I referred to him as a “friend”. The stupidity of his excuses almost brought me to the brink of throwing the ‘platter for two” seafood crap right onto his face. Of course, being the refined me, I just calmly swallowed all his excuses. The discussion started sounding so high-school and immature, so I had to steer it back to the point. The question that I need answered is what he wants with this relationship that we are having. His question was whether I loved him.

After finally reasoning out our (more like his) actions, we settled down to talk about the real thing. Was I ready for a relationship? I told him that from the start, from the beginning, I have been explaining to him that I don’t know what love is, I don’t do boyfriends, and I don’t believe in relationships. He requested that I give it a chance; to feel and not to think too much, truth is, I have been thinking about I this a lot. After talking to Squirrel, dear Club Queen, Nicodemus, my cuz AD, I realized that well, yeah, I was thinking too much. I thought I’ll give this a chance, as I really did like Patrick.

So, despite all the fear deep down inside of me, I told Patrick that I’m ready for a relationship, and I confessed to him that I really like him a lot, and that I want to spend my time getting to know him more than a friend and to see if anything will work out. Of course, he asked me why not ‘love’ but ‘like’. Like, duh! Love is too strong a word. So he said he likes me too (at this point I felt so foolish, as it was almost like a teenager-high-school like confession!!!). I felt good. It felt great not holding back and telling him all that I felt that afternoon, good or bad.

Just 2 minutes after that, I had to ask him about his friend, A, who was in the club yesterday. I was just puzzled over why A was so possessive over Patrick. What actually happened was that when I just wanted to speak to Patrick for a short while in the club, this A came running enquiring where Patrick was heading to with me. I had to ask him why his friend was so possessive. Then, he just went silent.

“Oh my god….is he…your boyfriend?”

He didn’t answer me. After a while, he said yes, that A is his boyfriend of 2 years!!!!!

HE HAS A FUCKING BOYFRIEND AND HE PLAYED WITH MY FEELINGS!!!!

He said he always wanted to tell me; and added that I never bothered to ask him. Fuck you. I remember clearly asking him all the time to tell me about his past boyfriends, but he usually brushed me off saying that he doesn’t want to talk about it, and now, you tell me you have a boyfriend??

Great, just great.

My heart just sank in disbelieve, as I sat there just staring at the glass, squeezing my brain out to say something without sounding pathetic and desperate. So, I went like

“Wow, so, tell me about A”

Fuck you!! I was so devastated. I tried to stay calm, pretending like it didn’t affect me. What’s worst, he had to tell me that AFTER I told him that I really liked him. My gosh, what a fool I have been…the clues were just always staring me in the face:

1) When he told me to not tell my friends about him

2) When I asked his friend Zul if he had a boyfriend, Zul didn’t want to answer me.

3) When his current favourite song is “Unfaithful’ by Rihanna

4) When he didn’t hug or kiss me or want to dance with me in the club when A was there

5) When he never wanted to meet me at night most of the days when I called him.

Earlier that day, he told me to erase all those views of mine about relationships and boyfriends off my head. Ha ha , what a freaking joke, just moments later, his confessions just strengthen what I believed in, and now, I’m going to be left unhopeful and in a state where I will never trust anyone.

Why? Why, just when I thought something can happen!!!

What’s worst, he claimed that he wanted to have us both, (both A & me)

What the fuck do you take me for????

I spent two hours after that listening to him ask for forgiveness, telling me he’s going to miss me, miss my kiss, my hugs, my laugh- me. A tad bit too late, aint it? He kept wishing that he had never told me and if he didn’t that he would have had a good time with me today.

What’s surprising is that I was not at all mad or angry, I was just confounded. How could he? I was so nice to him, I trusted him.

Parting with him was difficult. Part of me wants to strangle him so hard that his carotids build enough pressure to burst out with streams of blood. Part of me wished that he had never told me, cos this part of me still has feelings for him. To think that it was going to be a good day, I dressed well, tried to look good, only to be mud-slapped.

He sent me messages saying he loves me and that he feels so bad and hurt. Somehow, the way he was speaking to me seemed like as if I was the one who cheated on him….Fool! Just a few minutes ago, he called me saying that he is not being himself, that he cannot concentrate and that he cannot sleep. He wants to meet me once again.

I told him that I’m still his friend, and that he can always come visit Club Queen and I. of course I’m hurt and bruised, but that doesn’t mean I must totally forget about him. I will still cherish all the good times, but well, he definitely doesn’t stand a chance to reconcile with me. He is going to coax me into accepting him again, I’m sure. No way ho-say. I’ll still be friend. But what you did was too much, too hurtful. I’ll be stupid to even consider being with you again.

At the end of this post, I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel sad. I just feel disappointed, but at the same time relieved that he had told me today and not tomorrow, next month or three years from now.

Relationship is an illusion.

2006-08-28T03:27:00.000+08:00

“Fuck me badly once, shame on you, fuck me badly twice shame on me!”

After a little unhappiness with Patrick’s attitude for a bit, he actually called me last night to find out how I was doing. Half way through the conversation, we got disconnected, presumably due to his faulty phone that has been giving him this son-of-a-bitch problem. Being the impatient person that I was, I tried calling back a couple of times, only to hear the fucking voice say “The number you have dialed ……is not available at the fucking moment”. So I eagerly waited for HIS call, as he was at his mother’s and he usually uses his land line to give me a call. It was rather stupid of me to think that a normal human being will call back to continue a disrupted conversation, because until the next day, I was only left with the thought that he might call back later.

Towards evening today, I sent him a text asking if he had received my messages or call. The phone was working at this point. Since he didn’t reply, I just left a message which goes “Good day my friend”. To my utmost surprise, he finally replies my message questioning in disbelieve if I had just actually called him a ‘friend’. I replied asking what was so wrong with friend, as he never bothered to define what it is that we were having in the first place. Then he began saying that he felt hurt, sad, and all that fuck. Well, never mind the fact that HE didn’t bother replying MY previous night’s messages, or maybe a call to just explain why he didn’t call back despite my pathetic, desperate attempts to do so.

In the evening as I was driving CK to look for a place to stay, he called me to have a fucking serious talk. To cut the long story short, he said he was really sad that I called him ‘friend’. What the fuck does he expect from me? Here I am, treated like I’m just another ‘thing’ with a tight ass too fuck that he calls whenever he likes. Despite being irritated, I sent him messages, asking him not to take it the wrong way, not to feel sad or bad or worried, and I even told him that he is special and that he is worth more than he actually knows. And I MEANT IT.

BACK TO THE CALL.

Over the conversation he asks me if he can I can accept him as more than a friend. Wow, such brilliance, maybe the next time, he can just send me a text asking if I will do so. After claiming that its best if we meet in person to talk to about it, he agreed and assured me that he will meet me soon. (Note that I will only be on a holiday for a short while, and hence will only be in KL for a short period of time)

The problem that I have with him is that, despite explaining to him that I wont be here long, and in spite of making a lot of my time available for him, saying I can meet him today or at this hour and the like, he never seemed to have put that much enthusiasm into meeting me, to the measure that I am trying to meet him. That is enough to prove that he doesn’t look at this “relationship” the way that I do.

Most of the time he’ll tell me he cannot meet me or talk to me because he has to have “discussions” with his mother, with his ex-staff, with his good friend, with the neighbour’s dog and the guy at 7-11, I mean, COME ON!!! If you really like me, and if you always wanted it to be more than a friendship, why not put some effort into proving that you actually want something to work between us???

Ok, so when it’s about having discussions with his mother, I’m fine. But what he did today, huh, is a tad bit too much, and I’ll be a fool if I’m going to think and hope if something will ever happen.

Earlier in the evening, I had told him that I was going to go to Blue Boy, and if you followed through well, you guessed it right if you thought that he didn’t reply my message. Never mind, maybe he was working. Anyways, so come 12 midnight, I was at Blue Boy’s gents grooming myself, I turn to see Patrick there!! I was fucking happy that he came. For a while, my anger or annoyance with him just faded away, after seeing his face, as it has been a while since I’ve seen him. He told me he wanted to surprise me.

Boy was I surprised!!

Surprised because I didn’t believe how he just disregarded me later that night. He told me that he was here with his friends and housemates, and they didn’t actually plan of coming to Blue Boy. He just said that he is going to be with them. All this while I actually believed that he came there to surprise ME. Little did I know that that wasn’t his intention, as he was going to spend time with his friends, because after introducing me to his friends, I tugged him to come dance, to which he said he can’t because he has to stick with his friends. He asked me to just run along and have fun.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

I was fucking devastated that he told me that, and to think he lied about surprising me!!! Can you imagine, we were missing each other because we hadn’t seen each other for a while, and when we have the chance to meet, he just brushes me off!! How do you think I felt, standing in another corner, dancing like an asshole when I know the person that I wanted to be with, dance with and spend the night with was just at the other corner? I tried to swallow my anger and sadness and just dance the night away, but I couldn’t. Before long, I had called Ck to come pick me up. The worst part was I went up to him to speak to him, and he seemed so repelled by me even advancing amidst his friends.

Fuck you Patrick.

I mean, your friends are always going to be there, are they not? Plus, if you honestly wanted to build something with me, would you not have explained it to your friends and spend that precious time with me instead? I know and I’m sure I would have done that!!

Just when I thought I could give ‘relationship’ a chance, it turns around and smacks me right at the face with fillings of my actual thoughts about relationships. I always told Squirrel & Club Queen, that I don’t believe in relationships. Just look at what has happened. I was close to accepting him as more than a friend. Thank God I didn’t, and thank heavens I now know where I stand in his life.

Maybe some will think that I’m just magnifying such a petty incident. Maybe some will think that I’m just too immature and foolish. Well, think what you want.

I never knew what love was, and I still don’t know what it is. I want to know how it feels; I want to experience this “love”. Just when I thought I might have a chance to experience it, ha ha, this happens.

I don’t even know why I’m angry, why I’m feeling sad and why I’m having this heavy feeling over my chest. It is only going to be three weeks that I have met him. We met only four times together. I know almost everything about him. He knows nothing about me. My belief was correct. For him, it’s just another relationship. For me, it was going to be more than that; maybe that can explain the heartache.

Conversion My Ass.......

2006-08-24T16:12:00.000+08:00

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Sitting in my room almost half the day, day dreaming, dancing and smoking away draws me back to the yester years of my childhood, my teenage life and the years before.

When loneliness set in, I transform into a thinking tool, fondling old memories, walking down memory lane, pondering and wondering how I have led my life so far. There was so much I wanted to do, but never plucked up the courage to do so and never gave myself the strength to accomplish that which I wanted to do.

Looking back I see a different person from that whom I am today. What has happened? Why did I change? Is it part of growing up? Or is that line just an excuse for every single doubt in life? Truth is, I’m quite annoyed over all this uncertainty and vagueness of how things are going with my life right now. I guess I have been just brushing all the worries away, shoving them off my thoughts, hoping that it’ll just clear itself away from the very core of my soul that is now drenched with sour, bitter taste of guilt and boundless misery.

I don’t probably show it on the outside, but that’s the inferno flaming inside.

The change is evident – from being the caring and enduring person to the nonchalant and ill-patient person that I am today, throwing obscenities whenever and wherever I like- Careless attitude, selfish, and just damn fucking mindless. From talking and debating about Middle East crisis, government policies, Landmark cases and ethics- to talking about my crappy gay life smothered with sex and lust. From reading the gospel, attending mass and sharing testimonials and religious discussion –to stashing my bible aside and ill respect to the crucifix.

How did this happen?

A part of me feels that it’s just a phase; it’ll all be over soon. At times, I like the person that I am today- the brave, daring, stands- up -for -what is right who believes in myself - and self sufficient. However at times, I miss the humble, patient caring subservient person that I used to be.

Oh what the fuck

The way I look at it, I need to decide on the good part of the change that I have encountered, mould myself into a cocoon for a bit, mix & mingle, and break free into the butterfly with the colourful stripes of all that is pretty.

Sadly life ain't all that pretty.

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us. -- Thomas L. Holdcroft

Dreams......

2006-08-24T11:40:00.000+08:00

"If you need me call me, no matter where you are"

An impromptu decision to go clubbing yesterday with club Queen turned out to be so fun …..It was just after watching Ant Bully (it’s a pretty good show!) that I decided to go Blue Boy, and of course, dragged Club Queen along! (Thank God she agreed to go). I think yesterday was one fucking day that I actually danced my heart out, no worries, no men, no nothing. Just me, the DJ and the dance floor. Club Queen concurred that I did pretty much let myself loose yesterday.

Earlier before going I had wished that Patrick wouldn’t come so that I could dance with some other guys but when he sent me a message saying he would want to join- I felt so darn fucking glad! Only problem was I received the message after the movie, and by that time he had already left to his house, which is no where near Blue Boy. Man, was I devastated. The whole time when I was dancing in Blue Boy (despite my lack of worries), I couldn’t help but think about Patrick , wishing he was there to dance with me wishing he was there to hold me, wishing he was there to give me that sweet kiss that the both of us can't live without……Man!

Conversations with Club Queen always had to have the word ‘Patrick’ in it. Patrick this, Patrick that, Patrick…Patrick, Patrick Patrick Patrick. The more I spoke about him, the more I found myself drawn to him (I’m still unsure if it’s sexually or romantically). On the way back home even, it was Patrick, Patrick Patrick.

Ever since I met him, he has never failed to call me every single day. Woke up from my drunkard state a while ago and I am waiting for his call. Why is he taking so damn long??!!! I sent him a few messages claiming that I missed him, and telling him about the dream that I had with him in it. (This is the 4^th day in a row having dreamt of him!)

Savouring the last bits of my delicious tub of chocolate ice-cream that’s going to send my blood streaming down with fat and glucose, I eagerly wait for his call. Part of me hates myself for pining for someone so much; part of me likes the anticipation.

Sometimes, I think I’m pretty screwed up.

Cold........

2006-08-24T01:36:00.000+08:00

This is a little poem that I wrote when I still had posts in my previous (straight) blog. Just thought I'll post it here, too. ;-)

Like a withered flower
My soul is dying
The sun it had its hope on
Turned around and shadowed its dreams
Of living again
Perpetually alive

My soul is wretched
My core is wrecked
It fell to the deepest bottom
I can’t retrieve it
The fraught you caused
Why did you?

Like a bull at its final match
Dignity stripped and worth expunged
It’s likened to death
That’s how I am
At this time
At this hour

You caused me grave pain
Its immense, its unspeakable
My soul cries
My soul dies

Your altruistic nature
Turned into a fiasco
Who is to blame?
Maybe it’s just me

How can I go on?
My hopes shattered
When you took
The little that I had
Merciless, ruthless

The flower that once blossomed
Envisaged the worst
It is now lifeless
It will never be the same

But it dies to give another life………

Thou shall not.......

2006-08-23T17:10:00.000+08:00

As Brian Kinney’s mother eloquently said in one of the episodes of Queer as Folk:

“You’re going to hell!”

Yup, that is damn where I’m headed to. Being a Catholic for years under the guidance of my aunty who is also my god mother, I cannot help but feel guilty over my attitude, actions and behaviour of late.

I knew I was gay from the age of 12. During that time, at least until I was 16, it never bothered me so much as I only used to have crushes on cute guys, but never did anything about it. When I began to get closer to God, the guilt of even liking a guy began to kill me. I spent years praying and asking God to help me with my ‘disease’.

Before I entered university I was attending a nine month course to prepare me for baptism. (Yes, I’ve been a catholic but was only baptized later). During that whole course, I developed an even deeper relationship with God than before, and things were great. My life was always great when I put God first in my life. Since 16, all was good-except the gay factor, of course.

Over the nine months, I approached my beloved Reverend S in church regarding my sexuality. I still remember him giving this big sigh of despair upon hearing my predicament. He told me he has met so many in other countries, and he cannot help but feel bad for these people (gays). He told me he didn’t know what to tell me. He just told me what the Catholic Church believes (the Catholic Church accepts gays for who they are, for they deserve to be love; but a homosexual should not practice unnatural sex), and explained to me that things are going to be very hard for me. However, he asked me to speak to him whenever I felt I needed a friend to confide in and over the years, I did. Before that session with him ended, he gave me a pat and told me to go out and pray and ask God, and listen to what he has to say.

I walked out, I knelt and I prayed, for all my sins- being gay, my porn escapades etc. I heard God talking to me- I really did! I just felt this feeling of being loved. I think He told me, HE loves me, and I deserved to be loved. From that day, I just accepted the fact that, yes, I am gay and I will not deny that and God loves me-on one condition- I don’t practice my homosexuality.

A year passed by and I had already *ahem* slept with guys I barely knew due to my horrible lack of self control for a couple of blow jobs and the like. The whole two months I felt so bad, despite going for mass every single week, the guilt continued to kill me. So to Father S I ran to- in the confessional box. Of course having a very distinctive voice he knew it was me and dragged open the partition and he faced me during my confession. He asked me every detail about what I had done with those guys. He reiterated the fact that things were not going to be easy. I remember I used to tell myself that, I will just stick to god and try my best to deny my sexuality in terms of practice. But, Father S reminded me, time and again, that its not that easy as one day, maybe when I’m 40, I will need someone in my life, and then what am I going to do? So after listening to all my disgusting stories, he just prayed for me, and asked me to spend 20 minutes by the Tabernacle as penance.

Months later I was back to my habit, and the whole cycle kept repeating itself. Thankfully Father S was always there for me. However, my little habit waned after I joined the Catholic society in my university, as most of my time I would spend with them, and I really loved their company and loved them so very much. Plus, my major exams were around the corner, and I barely had time to do anything.

Now that I’m in another campus, I don’t meet my catholic friends anymore. This whole year had been a little rough on me- the problems I faced in the beginning of the year, the whole change of environment in Clinical School, and my worsening attitude made me move further and further away from God. I can’t remember the last time I went to church – it’s that bad! I used to religiously read the bible, go for mass, confessions…..Now I barely even have a five-minute prayer to thank God for my life. I’m not sure if it’s the guilt that’s causing this, or it’s just that I’m fed up of trying. Despite all this, I know I believe in HIM- the one and only true God, and that His son- my dear friend- Jesus Christ died for my sins.

But why can’t I turn away from sin?

If it is to hell that I’m headed to due to the life that I’m leading, well, bring it on. It’s not within my power to change that. I do know however that God loves me for who I am – but that doesn’t mean He is not upset with my doings. All I want to do now is TRY to work hard and get medical school done with, be a competent doctor, get my post-grad done and hope to find my sub-specialty in the future and work for the people. That’s what my dreams always were. To be a doctor for the people. To help the poor. Me being gay- that’s another issue altogether. God gave me this perfect opportunity to serve his people – to cure and heal- and that is what I will do, that is what I will work for.

I know I would not be able to turn away from my sinful path in the near future, but, seriously, this is who I am. Ok, maybe I can help myself in the promiscuous part of it – but then again, I will always be the gay guy thet I am. A friend of mine who denies that he is gay once told me:

"Everybody is born to the world with a brokenness that is meant to draw them to Christ- who will patch their brokenness and heal them of their misery and pain; being homesexual is a brokenness"

Well, I thought about this brokenness for a while, it obviously didn’t leave and impact one me. ;-)

What I know for now is this:

1) I need to go for masses

2) GOD loves me

3) If at all this is a brokenness, Christ will come help me, He will I know

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not o harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Jeremiah 29:11

Part 1 of 5 essentials?

2006-08-22T20:59:00.000+08:00

I don’t do boyfriends.

After so very long, Patrick decided to come to my place here in boring Seremban. With my research to finish and my new semester coming soon, I cut short my holidays back home to get some studying (and else more) done within the next two weeks. He was supposed to actually come this morning, but to my surprise, he came yesterday night here to Seremban!! I was jumping like crazy when he called saying he was on his way. I had already planned to go grocery shopping with Club Queen, so I was anxious about getting ready before he comes. I had two hours, so Club Queen and I shopped in haste, which had me paying for more than my usual monthly grocery shopping due to some additional items that I picked to enjoy with Patrick *wide grin*. Ran for a 15 min hair cut thing-a-magic and dashed to pick him up.

So much for getting ready. I hadn’t shaved, my shirt smelled of those pathetic buns they sell at Jusco, and my car was not clean, not to forget my room!!

Patrick was so adamant about meeting Club Queen, in fact, throughout the time before coming here, he kept questioning if Club Queen was going to join us. Well, she did, until I dropped her off before heading to my place ;-)

We didn’t have dinner, my last meal was lunch with Club Queen. I don’t know why, everytime I’m out with Patrick I just don’t have the appetite to eat (maybe it’s the craving for non-food??). So we spent the night talking, and of course, being the Patrick that he is, he got the night all steamy before long.

Kisses with him are just AMAZING. We can never stop!!! (At this point, I’m starting to feel embarrassed as there are readers who know me personally ha ha …but who cares!! CHOKE ON THIS!!)

We spent hours on bed; I definitely had a good time. The only problem is, I’m still somewhat a virgin, (if you get what I mean). The rest of the night were chocolate ice cream, more kisses and hugs, and me interrogating him about his past boyfriends and sexual escapades…

******************************************************************************

Cooked him (and Club Queen) breakfast this morning. I’m not sure if he enjoyed the breakfast though. What was interesting is that he has this somewhat compulsive behaviour when it comes to cleaning (very much like me). As I have left the house for almost two weeks now, the house was in a pretty ‘debilitated’ state. No thanks to those darn fucked up pigeons outside. He cleaned my whole porch, the walls, and the spider webs, swept and mopped my whole house too!! Really sweet of him.

I had to go send my good friend off to Canada, so before heading to KLIA, we had another round of *ahem*. Felt bad though, it’s like I’m always at the receiving end… (But I aint complaining!! ;-)) later in the car, I questioned him about my techniques, and of course “you need more practice” was the only possible reply. Well, one can’t blame me, with my total lack of (enough) experience. He he he

Had a short nap after returning from the airport. Actually, he just wanted to sleep, while I just went around doing my own stuff. I felt a little annoyed though, because, we wont be having more opportunities like this to meet, and I figured he could have used it instead of sleeping, but well, I’m no control- freak- demanding –bitch. So, after an hour or two, I joined him for a nap.

Finally, got up, had another round of …..Well…you know. He had to leave, but it was so early!! I was hoping that he’ll stay till tomorrow morning, but he obviously had to leave today. Damn it!!

Told him that I’ll rush to Frangipani if I’m horny at any time , and that I’ll be dancing with a whole lot of other guys…(just to make him jealous!!). He kept quiet for a while and later begged that I don’t go clubbing (muahahahaha). But the last time I went clubbing with him, there were so many other hot guys checking me out (a few even winked), so I must go try my luck. No, I'm not being a slut, cos’ the golden rule is, I don’t go home with just anybody…;-)

At one point, I asked him about what is this we’re doing. I nonchalantly claimed that it was just casual sex, as I didn’t want to seem all sentimental, or seem like I have feelings for him. He told me it wasn’t just casual sex; he said its ‘making love’ as it’s full of feelings etc.

Yeah, whatever.

Now that he has left, I do kind of miss him, but the heartless being in me just represses the thought of me missing him. Yet again I’m set to think about where this is heading to. Is this going to lead to a relationship? No way!! I find it hard to invest emotionally sometimes; with the same breath, I can say that sometimes I wished I had a boyfriend. I never had one, I don’t know how it feels, and I want to know how it feels.

But, with Patrick, what’s going to happen? Should I just tell him earlier that I don’t do boyfriends? Truth is, although I miss him, I don’t care much whether he comes back or not. Its like, I don’t have those extra feelings for him. Geesh, I don’t even know what to think. Its time for a chat with Princess Tomato.

“He makes me feel good, but there’s an empty space; a gap; how am I to bridge it? Only time will tell I guess”

Now, for some sleep...I have been exerting too much.........

Oh, and i almost forgot....he says one needs to fulfill 5 criteria before a relatioship is formed. that's what the tittle is all about. too sleepy to talk about it now...ugh...zzzzzzzz

Somebody tell me....

2006-08-10T20:37:00.000+08:00

The problem I have always had with myself is when someone likes me, and they know I know it, I try so hard to pretend that I don’t know that they actually do like me.

I had a glance at this guy who was dancing in a club when I was having a good time with Club Queen. Of course, the both of us thought he was so damn cute. Being the occasionally shy person that I am *grin* I didn’t go up to him to ask for a dance despite Club Queen’s incessant encouragement for me to do so. Last week, it was weird though as I saw him again, but this time I asked him to dance with me. He told me he couldn’t dance with me, however he took my number.

I was pissed as hell, because I was thinking to myself, you can always say NO if you don’t wanna dance, you don’t have to pretend to be interested and take my number so that I wont feel bad!! Quite naturally, that night I didn’t dance with him.

Little did I figure that he would call me the next day. He explained reasons on why he didn’t dance with me (i.e. he was with his friends; he was shocked that a ‘straight’ looking guy had asked him to dance, he was drunk etc). Seriously, save the details, because at that time I thought he was just trying to get low (on me, that is!)

We decided to meet, at so I met Patrick, yesterday, as yesterday’s post would have explained. This brings me to the real part of the post. He called me so many times today, saying he just wants to listen to my voice, adding that it feels great to listen to my voice. All this lovey-dovey talk is quite flattering I must say. But hey, you only met me once!!!! He claims that he starts blushing when he starts to speak to me, and he can’t stop laughing when he does. Funny thing is, I look at it as a joke, as I believe you cant like someone so much in just one day.

Of course, if I would have said this to Squirrel or Club Queen, they will just throw me one of their volume-less Chinese proverb to make me feel guilty. (Hee hee). I mean, yes, I would like to have a boyfriend and all, but at the same time, I don’t really want a boyfriend or anything. I feel like I’m just happy the way I am, go out, check some guys out, wishing I had a boyfriend, and just go home and realize that I don’t in fact need one.

I might be going out with Patrick again. From the way I look at it, he sorta likes me or something, and his hints are pretty clear. Or, maybe, he just wants to get to know me better.

Just a few months back, there was this guy who had a thing for me. Man, he gave me a hard time. He turned out to make things really hard for me; and the fact was we were never in a relationship, but he thinks we are. Thank God he has slowly learned how to move on.

I thought I understood what love was. My friends before used to consult me with issue regarding love and relationships. Now, I wonder to myself if I can actually help myself. I don’t understand what love is. I don’t understand what a relationship is for. I don’t know the value of being in a relationship, and I can’t help to wonder why people stay in a relationship.

Truth be told, I don’t know what LOVE is.

Will Patrick be the answer to my inexhaustible questions?

I can’t help but wonder.

or maybe, i don't have a heart.

Not a Bad Day

2006-08-09T22:34:00.000+08:00

" You're so yummy!!"

I’m not all too sure if I actually had a good day today. Patrick, this guy who took my number from Blue Boy last week had called me saying he wants to meet me. Now, when a gay guy wants to meet me, I know there’s only one thing in his mind. After all, who can resist a tall, hot, good looking guy like me?? Ha ha ha (I realize that just by saying that, my reader popularity would have just dropped) .

But who gives a fuck.

So, after my ward rounds, I left to Cheras (via train) as I didn’t wanna go through the traffic. I damn well knew the journey was gonna take long (close to 2 hours) but I thought to myself, I needed a chat. Needed to chat with a gay guy and Patrick seemed nice. Well, I did warn him that I’m not gonna have sex if that’s what his intentions were…..

Before long I was already in Cheras. Boy, I must say, he looks cuter in bright light (as it was really dark in Blue Boy). Little did I know that one day I was gonna have a little meet with this guy that Club Queen and I had an eye on in Blue Boy.

We had a good talk over lunch, him telling me about himself, etc etc. Took me back to his house after that, which was close by. Then the crap started when he wanted to hold my hands etc etc. Thing is, I kept telling him, that I only wanted to talk, but he was so insistent on holding my hands, wanted to kiss me…God…..I love kissing, no doubt about that, but I really didn’t want to turn this meet into a fuck and leave one. So after trying for two hours to kiss me, he gave up (muahahahaha). He then started to tell me his life story, it was sad. Of course, I’m not gonna write it all here. Even then, I thought he was just using sad ass stories to fool me. But he was sincere (cos he started tearing!!).

Later we moved into his cosy little room, and well, I guess we got a little cosy….*wide grin*

Of course, when I questioned if sex is all in a gay man’s mind….I never doubted the fact that, well, in actual fact, im a fucking gay too, with hormones.

Good thing is, we shared a great time together, and that was fantabulous!! I’m really not sure where this is going to head to, because he kept saying he was gonna think of me, he had palpitations, and all that sentimental. He seems like a nice guy. However, knowing the relationphobe that I am, I wonder if it will go far. We’ll see.

And of course, what happened behind close doors and drawn curtains will remain a clandestine. Squirrel and Club Queen, well, of course you guys will get the info, soon.

For the record:

“The kissing was damn fucking good”

Ethics

2006-08-08T18:29:00.000+08:00

I must remind myself:

I am a professional. I DO NOT fall for patients. I DO NOT have sexually explicit thought about my patients.

Being in the medical field, being ethical is of prime importance. Never mind the fact that we are as human as the rest of them. Then again, ethics is something which (to most extent) contributes to the good of mankind and somehow intertwines spirituality and the modern adage of medicine.

If you thought I was going to continue with an inspiring post, you thought wrong.

So, today I had to examine this drug abuser as he has endocarditis. Somehow, I don’t know, he had a pretty good body. Thing is, good bodies are hard to come by. I kept repeating to myself I shouldn’t be foolish and tarnish the only thing I have left: My professionalism. As my examination lead from the hand to the arm and to the chest, there were points when I felt just so turned on ….by his musculature, tattoo…and finally his bare chest. He wasn’t sweating (unlike most of the other patients), so it was rather comfortable. But I must say, palpating for the apex beat for a little longer felt a little pathetic. Although I knew that testing the cough impulse wasn’t relevant in this case, I just had to do it. Why? To prove that I’m not going to breach any ethics. So, at the end of the day, although I had a couple of invisible hard on during examination, I did not abuse my power to the disadvantage of my patient. Thing is, we are as human as human can be, and this are the simple rules of the medical fraternity that binds me to legal solitude, that would make me lift my head above the rest:

My remaining professionalism.

***************************************************************************************

On another note……I have learnt my lesson NOT to give out my number generously should I go clubbing. Clubbing last week at Frangipani with Club Queen was fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. The bar/lounge is so classy, you’ll just love to sit there, relax, and unwind to the sound of the cool beats. And did I mention they happen to have the best cocktails around??

So, that night I went with three of my girl friends, one of which doesn’t know that I'm gay. Friday nights at Frangipani happens to be ‘gay night’. Boy was I thrilled!! The place, the drinks, the music …and the men!! Well, I had a couple of older fags that wanted my number and so wanted to fuck me.

Problem is I ain't no slut, honey.

I think at the end of the day, I had four people who had my number. I danced with this very shy Muscle Man who continues to call me till today. Thing is, I only wanted to dance (and ok, so, a little kissing), but at no point do I want to go home with them!!! Why? Why are gay men such sexual beasts???Ha ha . The funny thing was, I saw one of my previous Clinical Skills lecturer there with another guy. Boy was I surprised. I never knew he was gay. Nope, I didn’t acknowledge him. I couldn’t give a fuck.

Next day at I was back at Frangi, but it was damn well boring, so I drove over to Blue Boy which was like a can of Sardines!! It was late, and I had to dance, so I got someone to dance with me. Before long he started saying he likes me, wants to take me home, wants to cook for me, wants to DIE etc etc…when are they ever gonna start saying “I wanna buy you a Convertible”, “wanna take you for a trip to Hawaii” etc etc when?? When??? WHEN??!!Tim Kai!!!!

Nevertheless it was good fun dancing and letting loose, looking good after an exam….problem is I have to now deal with their incessant sms-es. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be arrogant or anything, if only their intentions were not sex all the time, it would be fantastic. I want gay friends, see. Not men who are gonna fuck me and leave.

I don’t believe in “Finding ‘em Fucking ‘em and Forgetting ‘em”….The 3Fs. Well, not now at least.

Sexual craving....

2006-07-25T16:58:00.000+08:00

If there was any day that S turned me on the most, it was today.

S is this tall lean ok -looking guy in my batch that I have sexually craved for a long long long time. Today, during class, he turns to me and makes a little blow job signal. (We constantly annoy each other with facial expressions and crude remarks). That was enough to send my hormones sky rocketing, till I almost had a headache.

Since he started it, and since I was fucking horny, I began to make ‘blow job’ moves back at him, smacking my lips in the process .(in case you didn’t know, you can simulate a blow job by pushing your tongue against your inner cheek and move your hand like you are jerking just in front of your mouth). Oh God, at that moment in time, S was conjuring up an action with two dicks in his mouth…..man, I felt like dragging him to the nearest toilet and giving him a blow job so good, he’ll never forget it for life.

In fact, I went like “S, come, lets go, give me a blowjob” to which he just wriggled his tongue at me looking at my crotch. God dammit, if only Prof K was not in front busy lecturing about Addison’s , and only if, I could just get him t o come with me to the nearest toilet, man!!!!!

Of course, as the class ended, S went like, “V, come, lets go”. I told him to be ready tomorrow, so we could get a blow job. I looked at his crotch and smacked my lips from side to side again, and he just laughed and he left. Well, by this time, it wouldn’t have taken a genius to know that we were joking all the while…

With my ragging hormones, I swear I feel like calling him to tell him that I wanna fuck him all night.

Man, I just royally embarrassed myself.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little about S….

S was one of the first people I met upon entering university. He was sitting beside me in the lecture hall in the beginning, and of course, I was immediately attracted to him. He has flawless skin, (his Chinese btw), a deep rough voice (which I think is sexy, much to Club Queen’s and Squirrel’s dismay), and of moderate height. He ditched his father’s offer to inherit the family business to do medicine. Very smart of him. Really.

We exchanged numbers somewhere along the line, and yeah I remember we were pretty close actually. There was this once that he loaned me his pink shirt for orientation...yeah...I remember…. We used to exchange text messages via SMS frequently at that time, and this was during semester one. He usually ends his texts to me with “Bye handsome”, “Good night handsome”, “Sweet dreams” etc etc which was a little, I would say, touchy? I was under the impression that he was gay. Soon after, we somehow ceased our text messaging. Not too sure why. And I heard that he has a girlfriend. Bummer. Lost my hope there!

Of course over the years (we’re at the end of our 3^rd year now), I would steal glances of him in the lecture hall, and maybe sometimes find excuses to talk to him. Ever since we entered clinical school however, we re-bonded again, and we spent quite some time talking about each other’s life etc. He told me all about his girlfriend, his plan to get married etc etc, (yawn). He questioned the reason on why I never had a girlfriend, as everyone does. They claim that with my looks, I should have had many girlfriends by now. Ha ha. They know NOTHING.

So, status with S now? Just a friend whom I joke with. Of course, if it is ever possible, I would looooove to be the bitch that has an affair with him behind his girlfriend’s back.

But

I'm no slut. I’m refined, there’s no way I’m gonna do something so scornful, (as much as I wish to)

If we could only.....

2006-07-25T02:53:00.000+08:00

You wake up in the morning; stare at the mirror that reflects your soul, the very being of you. Despite the superficial image you look at, what you are actually focusing on is you, the inner self. The spiritual part that builds you. You look intently and consider if today will be a good day. You decide to make it a good day. A fabulous day, if I may add. Putting a smile on your face, you stroke the right corner of your hair, correct your tie, and you walk chest up to endure what the day has set for you.

The end of the day you get home, staring at the mirror once again. You stand naked with all the shame reflecting back right onto you, making you turn away in disgust, in disbelieve, that , once such a pure soul is now tainted, corrupted, ruined….In dismay, you attempt to reason out your gaffe, try to justify the action that others don’t approve of.

Crying shame…..

You question if you will ever be able to wash yourself clean again, wish that every single person will look at you the way they still do, a pretentious state of being; the other side of you that you mould every morning before you leave your home, to impress, of shall I say, to fool those around us.

But then again, being human is fundamentally to err. We’re not perfect, but we want to be perfect. Superficially. But, maybe, we can be perfect underneath, at least, try to. The moment we think of ourselves less, the more we will be able to offer to those around us. Can’t we take a moment each day to be grateful of all the unaccounted blessings that we have, can't we take a second to appreciate all that we experience in the life we lead?

Can we not?
Why do we then run back to the arms of sexual ill being, practice slander and corrupt behaviour? Why do we?

I will never know the answer, neither will any of you. This I know though, that if I can continue to stare at that nakedness, and acknowledge that very brokenness, able to see my mistakes, that I will be a better man; and if I realize it, I’ll work to do something about it. To make an effort to amend my life, myself, my destiny.

Gauging sexuality

2006-07-24T22:11:00.000+08:00

Like I don't have anything better to do. Seriously, this is pathetic.

Squirrel and I were talking about possibilities that some of our guy friends in uni just might be gay, as in a homosexual. Well, why did I actually come to such conclusions? Certain criterias, maybe? I don't know.

Lets take Z for one. His friendster account is loaded with gay profiles. He behaves homosexually-bitchy sometimes. He tells me that he will never have a girlfriend. Ever. I actually had the guts to ask him straight to his face if he is gay, and the answer was obviously, NO. I'm still wondering if I should tell him that I am gay. That might make him spill the beans.

Now lets take N. He is a really good friend of mine. He's a little on the soft side, but nice nonetheless. He behaves very, err, feminine-ly, and if i'm not wrong (and if I'm not too perasan) I once thought he was trying to hit on me.

I'm still on the process of gauging their sexuality. One thing I know, even if I ever find out that they actually are gay, I probably wouldn't do anything about it. It's weird, like having a gay click or something. Bleh.

On a more interesting note, I'm in love with Mikey from Queer as Folk.

I need to go clubbing. I need a tall man to dance and get dirty with.

The Bitch in Me Cries....

2006-07-23T22:00:00.000+08:00

Came back from dinner earlier with Club Queen. She , on the other hand just got back from Malacca. As per usual, our topic of discussion was about men, men, and did I mention, MEN?

I was complaining and whining to her about my lack of a circle of gay friends. I mean, seriously. Every other gay blogger or gay person I know of:

A) Has had a boyfriend
B) Has, to the very least , a gay circle
C) Knows that The Curve is a hang out place for gays
D) Have already watched (if not all seasons) of Queer as Folk

Am I just blur or am I just so-left-out of this gay world???!!

Not that it matters. Yeah right!!

I, on the other hand:

A) Have never had a boyfriend
B) Dont have even one close gay friend
C) Hell I knew about Curve despite being there a couple of times
D) Have only now watched 5 episodes of season 1 of QAF

UGH

Somehow, I'm feeling so much like a bimbotic bitch right now. I don't usually complain about petty things. The key word being: usually. ;-)

Maybe it's that way because I never intended to have a boyfriend, never really met up with my gay "online" friends, and never really thought about going to the Curve. So woe is to me.

Right now, I just can't wait to go clubbing next Friday with my dear Club Queen (probably BlueBoy or Liquid) to get a little wasted (and , hopefully, lucky) ha ha ha. But first, I need to go through the whole week of studying as the Internal Medicine assessment is freaking next week. Good God.

Why? Why do I always procrastinate and make my life such a misery? Why??????????

Gotta look hot next Friday

Ramblings

2006-07-23T11:19:00.000+08:00

OK , seriously, I need to study. Like now. Ugh.

So, it's been like 20 minutes since I have owned this blog, already I have tonnes in my mind that I feel like writing. I must say I haven't blogged for a pretty long time, from my late blog, that is. :-)

I bet by now, (if there are any readers) many will be wondering why pink dolphin? Thing here is I have been fascinated with this beautiful animal since I was young. They are actually known as the Pink Amazonian River Dolphins, or simply, river dolphins; and yes, they are PINK. These dolphins are found in Amazon, and of late , in China( I wonder how?). Dolphins are cute, intelligent, and, I must add, they are very,very, sexually active. Oh, and they have violent tendencies. They are unique.

*Now I'm starting to think that people are gonna think that I'm weird*

Like I care.

Just spoke to Dap over the phone, telling her that I'm gonna tear down my old blog. She begs me not to. Fact is, she doesn't know I'm gay, and I have this constant urge to write gay stuff.

You know, it's a gay thing. When we are not busy sleeping around, we write. *rolls eyes*

Club queen had gone out with this friend of hers to Malacca, and she's not back yet. I'm so hoping she didn't sleep with him. God dammit! She gets all the hot guys that takes her out!

I just found out that one of my University mate's gay. I found out through a blog. Somehow, I'm happy, sad thing is he is in the BJ campus and I'm here at the hospital. Bummer.

I've been thinking about Vincent lately. Well, Vincent is this guy from the UK whom I met at Blue Boy a month ago.....i'll save that story for another post. In case you're wondering, Blue Boy is a gay club, at Jalan Sultan Ismail.

So far, I realised that I've wasted my time rambling here. But wait, last time I remember, I called this blog "Murmurs of A Fucking Bitch". Murmurs, in this context, is complaining.

So, here I am complaining.

*Song Playing: The Remedy - Jason Mraz*

A beginning?

2006-07-23T10:39:00.000+08:00

This is me, the real me. Heck, i should be freaking studying right now, but hell, I had to come up with a new blog. I had an old blog, which I had for a year++, but it's so pretentious. It's all about my so called "straight" life. I had enough of it. Good memories, yeah, but i have to move on. This blog will be a representation of how I lead my life, being gay, being me, the student doc. Will I make it? I don't know. What I hope, anyway, is to come back to this blog one fine day in the future and walk down memory lane reading this blog.

We'll see. :)

Murmurs.......

2006-07-23T10:00:00.000+08:00

A NEW BEGINNING
bring me out of this hell