Sexual craving....

If there was any day that S turned me on the most, it was today.

S is this tall lean ok -looking guy in my batch that I have sexually craved for a long long long time. Today, during class, he turns to me and makes a little blow job signal. (We constantly annoy each other with facial expressions and crude remarks). That was enough to send my hormones sky rocketing, till I almost had a headache.

Since he started it, and since I was fucking horny, I began to make ‘blow job’ moves back at him, smacking my lips in the process .(in case you didn’t know, you can simulate a blow job by pushing your tongue against your inner cheek and move your hand like you are jerking just in front of your mouth). Oh God, at that moment in time, S was conjuring up an action with two dicks in his mouth…..man, I felt like dragging him to the nearest toilet and giving him a blow job so good, he’ll never forget it for life.

In fact, I went like “S, come, lets go, give me a blowjob” to which he just wriggled his tongue at me looking at my crotch. God dammit, if only Prof K was not in front busy lecturing about Addison’s , and only if, I could just get him t o come with me to the nearest toilet, man!!!!!

Of course, as the class ended, S went like, “V, come, lets go”. I told him to be ready tomorrow, so we could get a blow job. I looked at his crotch and smacked my lips from side to side again, and he just laughed and he left. Well, by this time, it wouldn’t have taken a genius to know that we were joking all the while…

With my ragging hormones, I swear I feel like calling him to tell him that I wanna fuck him all night.

Man, I just royally embarrassed myself.

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A little about S….

S was one of the first people I met upon entering university. He was sitting beside me in the lecture hall in the beginning, and of course, I was immediately attracted to him. He has flawless skin, (his Chinese btw), a deep rough voice (which I think is sexy, much to Club Queen’s and Squirrel’s dismay), and of moderate height. He ditched his father’s offer to inherit the family business to do medicine. Very smart of him. Really.

We exchanged numbers somewhere along the line, and yeah I remember we were pretty close actually. There was this once that he loaned me his pink shirt for orientation...yeah...I remember…. We used to exchange text messages via SMS frequently at that time, and this was during semester one. He usually ends his texts to me with “Bye handsome”, “Good night handsome”, “Sweet dreams” etc etc which was a little, I would say, touchy? I was under the impression that he was gay. Soon after, we somehow ceased our text messaging. Not too sure why. And I heard that he has a girlfriend. Bummer. Lost my hope there!

Of course over the years (we’re at the end of our 3^rd year now), I would steal glances of him in the lecture hall, and maybe sometimes find excuses to talk to him. Ever since we entered clinical school however, we re-bonded again, and we spent quite some time talking about each other’s life etc. He told me all about his girlfriend, his plan to get married etc etc, (yawn). He questioned the reason on why I never had a girlfriend, as everyone does. They claim that with my looks, I should have had many girlfriends by now. Ha ha. They know NOTHING.

So, status with S now? Just a friend whom I joke with. Of course, if it is ever possible, I would looooove to be the bitch that has an affair with him behind his girlfriend’s back.

But

I'm no slut. I’m refined, there’s no way I’m gonna do something so scornful, (as much as I wish to)

If we could only.....

You wake up in the morning; stare at the mirror that reflects your soul, the very being of you. Despite the superficial image you look at, what you are actually focusing on is you, the inner self. The spiritual part that builds you. You look intently and consider if today will be a good day. You decide to make it a good day. A fabulous day, if I may add. Putting a smile on your face, you stroke the right corner of your hair, correct your tie, and you walk chest up to endure what the day has set for you.

The end of the day you get home, staring at the mirror once again. You stand naked with all the shame reflecting back right onto you, making you turn away in disgust, in disbelieve, that , once such a pure soul is now tainted, corrupted, ruined….In dismay, you attempt to reason out your gaffe, try to justify the action that others don’t approve of.

Crying shame…..

You question if you will ever be able to wash yourself clean again, wish that every single person will look at you the way they still do, a pretentious state of being; the other side of you that you mould every morning before you leave your home, to impress, of shall I say, to fool those around us.

But then again, being human is fundamentally to err. We’re not perfect, but we want to be perfect. Superficially. But, maybe, we can be perfect underneath, at least, try to. The moment we think of ourselves less, the more we will be able to offer to those around us. Can’t we take a moment each day to be grateful of all the unaccounted blessings that we have, can't we take a second to appreciate all that we experience in the life we lead?

Can we not?
Why do we then run back to the arms of sexual ill being, practice slander and corrupt behaviour? Why do we?

I will never know the answer, neither will any of you. This I know though, that if I can continue to stare at that nakedness, and acknowledge that very brokenness, able to see my mistakes, that I will be a better man; and if I realize it, I’ll work to do something about it. To make an effort to amend my life, myself, my destiny.

Gauging sexuality

Like I don't have anything better to do. Seriously, this is pathetic.

Squirrel and I were talking about possibilities that some of our guy friends in uni just might be gay, as in a homosexual. Well, why did I actually come to such conclusions? Certain criterias, maybe? I don't know.

Lets take Z for one. His friendster account is loaded with gay profiles. He behaves homosexually-bitchy sometimes. He tells me that he will never have a girlfriend. Ever. I actually had the guts to ask him straight to his face if he is gay, and the answer was obviously, NO. I'm still wondering if I should tell him that I am gay. That might make him spill the beans.

Now lets take N. He is a really good friend of mine. He's a little on the soft side, but nice nonetheless. He behaves very, err, feminine-ly, and if i'm not wrong (and if I'm not too perasan) I once thought he was trying to hit on me.

I'm still on the process of gauging their sexuality. One thing I know, even if I ever find out that they actually are gay, I probably wouldn't do anything about it. It's weird, like having a gay click or something. Bleh.

On a more interesting note, I'm in love with Mikey from Queer as Folk.

I need to go clubbing. I need a tall man to dance and get dirty with.

The Bitch in Me Cries....

Came back from dinner earlier with Club Queen. She , on the other hand just got back from Malacca. As per usual, our topic of discussion was about men, men, and did I mention, MEN?

I was complaining and whining to her about my lack of a circle of gay friends. I mean, seriously. Every other gay blogger or gay person I know of:

A) Has had a boyfriend
B) Has, to the very least , a gay circle
C) Knows that The Curve is a hang out place for gays
D) Have already watched (if not all seasons) of Queer as Folk

Am I just blur or am I just so-left-out of this gay world???!!

Not that it matters. Yeah right!!

I, on the other hand:

A) Have never had a boyfriend
B) Dont have even one close gay friend
C) Hell I knew about Curve despite being there a couple of times
D) Have only now watched 5 episodes of season 1 of QAF

UGH

Somehow, I'm feeling so much like a bimbotic bitch right now. I don't usually complain about petty things. The key word being: usually. ;-)

Maybe it's that way because I never intended to have a boyfriend, never really met up with my gay "online" friends, and never really thought about going to the Curve. So woe is to me.

Right now, I just can't wait to go clubbing next Friday with my dear Club Queen (probably BlueBoy or Liquid) to get a little wasted (and , hopefully, lucky) ha ha ha. But first, I need to go through the whole week of studying as the Internal Medicine assessment is freaking next week. Good God.

Why? Why do I always procrastinate and make my life such a misery? Why??????????

Gotta look hot next Friday

Ramblings

OK , seriously, I need to study. Like now. Ugh.

So, it's been like 20 minutes since I have owned this blog, already I have tonnes in my mind that I feel like writing. I must say I haven't blogged for a pretty long time, from my late blog, that is. :-)

I bet by now, (if there are any readers) many will be wondering why pink dolphin? Thing here is I have been fascinated with this beautiful animal since I was young. They are actually known as the Pink Amazonian River Dolphins, or simply, river dolphins; and yes, they are PINK. These dolphins are found in Amazon, and of late , in China( I wonder how?). Dolphins are cute, intelligent, and, I must add, they are very,very, sexually active. Oh, and they have violent tendencies. They are unique.

*Now I'm starting to think that people are gonna think that I'm weird*

Like I care.

Just spoke to Dap over the phone, telling her that I'm gonna tear down my old blog. She begs me not to. Fact is, she doesn't know I'm gay, and I have this constant urge to write gay stuff.

You know, it's a gay thing. When we are not busy sleeping around, we write. *rolls eyes*



Club queen had gone out with this friend of hers to Malacca, and she's not back yet. I'm so hoping she didn't sleep with him. God dammit! She gets all the hot guys that takes her out!

I just found out that one of my University mate's gay. I found out through a blog. Somehow, I'm happy, sad thing is he is in the BJ campus and I'm here at the hospital. Bummer.

I've been thinking about Vincent lately. Well, Vincent is this guy from the UK whom I met at Blue Boy a month ago.....i'll save that story for another post. In case you're wondering, Blue Boy is a gay club, at Jalan Sultan Ismail.

So far, I realised that I've wasted my time rambling here. But wait, last time I remember, I called this blog "Murmurs of A Fucking Bitch". Murmurs, in this context, is complaining.

So, here I am complaining.


*Song Playing: The Remedy - Jason Mraz*

A beginning?

This is me, the real me. Heck, i should be freaking studying right now, but hell, I had to come up with a new blog. I had an old blog, which I had for a year++, but it's so pretentious. It's all about my so called "straight" life. I had enough of it. Good memories, yeah, but i have to move on. This blog will be a representation of how I lead my life, being gay, being me, the student doc. Will I make it? I don't know. What I hope, anyway, is to come back to this blog one fine day in the future and walk down memory lane reading this blog.

We'll see. :)

Murmurs.......

A NEW BEGINNING
bring me out of this hell