From placentas to colours of magenta

As I hurt my legs standing hours in the labour room with the fishy stench of fresh blood that is nauseating, my condition is further aggravated with flashes of memories of Patrick and I.

It’s weird. As I separate the placental membrane, inspecting the cotyledons and the like, I was suddenly brought back to the days when we used to lie in bed, talking about what we’re going to do for Christmas, my birthday, the holidays after my First Professional Exams…..only to be awaken again by the sight of an infarct on one of the cotyledons, indicated by the yellowish –tan colour of it.

The more I try to move on, the more I try to think the hurtful things he did to me, the more I’m drawn to NOT forgetting him. The problem with me is I easily forgive. I never like the feeling of having hurt anybody. I keep thinking of the time when he sent me the lyrics to the song HURT by Christina, claiming that he feels like I’m singing the song to him, after the break up.

I mean, come on!! I was begging him to continue with the relationship, he was the one who misinterpreted everything and made his own decision. What’s worst, he said he didn’t love me. That was the most hurtful of it all. Here I was saying I loved him more than anything, and he just slaps me on the face with his cruel words.

Read Derek’s blog, and I must say I’m under the category of “20-something who wishes to meet the one and just live with that one”

I don’t look for sex and stuff. I want love, full of sincerity and honesty. Yeah, ask me to take a train down to la la wonderland, but is it too much to ask for some understanding?

I will never understand why he lied. I will never understand why he knows that I love him and cannot accept it.

When I start thinking that way, I look at the guys who love me, but unreciprocated by me. Take KM for example, he loves me so much. Wrote me songs, poems, calls me everyday to make sure I’m ok….I told him that I don’t love him, and have been treating him only as a friend. At times I feel bad as I feel that maybe I might be leading him on. But he is PERSISTENT to the point of annoyance. I’ll just be a friend I guess.

But it’s different with Patrick as we HAD a relationship.

I’m sick. I’m pathetic. I don’t even know how to move on. When I think of him, I wonder if he is working today. Is he all right? Is he lonely? Does he have problems that he cannot deal with? I worry about him more than myself, as he is weak, and only needs love. (That I foolishly gave). He didn’t appreciate it. Oh well…

Anyways, I stole a little time to blog here. I got to take a quick shower and head back to the nauseating labour room and hopefully assist in one tonight. It’s going to be a long night tonight: On call, preparation for tomorrow’s Post Partum Haemorrhage and The Task Based Learning on Induction of Labour, and to top it all off, the Dance practice for next week’s sport week.

I love you Patrick.

Violated

From the time I was teenager, the harassment never took a rest. A walk to the shop cannot be without having a guy stop me asking for an address only to have fondled me. I cannot go to a public toilet without having men come back in and pretend to pee beside me, only to have a look at my dick. I had flashers before, people who approached for sex, and some had the nerve to trail me back. Where I worked temporarily, the dickhead was such a horny bastard, he sexually harassed me every freaking day, and I finally left after a month. The hotel I was working at as a receptionist, there I had tones of assholes who wanted to fuck me, blow me, and just sexually exploit me. They had always put me in a spot. But to God’s grace I guess, I was saved at times….

After the bad break-up with Patrick, I had such a terrible week crying day and night, skipped classes (God damn it, it’s Obstetrics!!), and turned into an ugly looking tears emitting shit. Yesterday, I felt better, and I called a person that I had a lot of trust in to have a talk with regarding my problem

He is no other than the priest from my church.

He knew all about me from before, me being gay and my struggles with it. He understood how I felt and was always there to hear my confessions and give me my penance duties. I trusted him.

Driving all the way back to KL to see him was rewarding. He allayed my worries and put things back into perspective. I felt better. Much better. I honestly did not regret my decision of going there.

But there was a high price I had to pay, and I’m not talking about cash or saying the rosary 1000 times.

Never mind that every other horny guy out there – from the Medical Assistant in the hospital to my fucked-up Pakistani neighbour – look at me as a sex object and dared enough to harass me sexually, I least expected the person I trusted to go out of line.

At this point, people will be thinking that I land myself into this problem. Hell you know.

After the talk with him, he offered a hug. A hug is what I truly needed. A hug from the priest, a father, was comforting and I just dropped all my worries over the shoulder of the person I was hugging. I still remember his last question before he hugged me…and I answered “I want my father who left me”

As he continued to hug me, and as I continued to feel safe in his arms, his hands gently slipped into areas it shouldn’t have moved into. I was shocked, appalled, and yet had not the courage to tell him I was not comfortable at all. He said I was ashamed of myself, my body….he said I should be proud…

“You’re a good man. You’re good looking, you have a great body. You have it all. Everyone will love you. You are so lovable. You have to know that’

And slowly, he unbuttoned my jeans, my underwear……and that was when I realized he had crossed the line.

He kept asking if I was ok with it….how am I supposed to be ok? Can’t you see what you’re doing? I came here for solace and comfort, I was comforted, yes, and it’s true…but why?

He took me to another room – for medicine for the poor- and he began hugging me again. This time, he pulled everything off me. He continued to hug me. He kissed me. He bent down and placed my dick into his……..

If he thought I was enjoying it, he was wrong. I tried to hold my tears from trickling down my cheeks.

Blood rushed to my head, but it impinged my ability to think and voice out. At that point, I could only tell myself, if this is what he needs in return of a good advice, so be it.

I think his conscience hit him soon and he realized it, he stopped. He told me that I now know his secret. He claimed that he used to jump from one man to another, but finally learned that only God can give you peace.

Yes, my priest is gay.

And he is human. He exploited me when I was at my most vulnerable state. I will never understand why he did that. I, for one, do not want to think about it, it hurts me deep inside, and it’s shameful. I cannot help but wonder if he thought that that was what I wanted.

He apologized, and claimed that he was only human.

Despite being a priest, yes, he is human, and none of us have the right to judge him, as, whatever he does, God will deal with him, and he will have to deal with god.

As for me, I just want to remember the part where he comforted me with his advice and good words. It helped me a lot in moving on with my life. As for what he did after that……..I don’t know. I could have never asked him to stop. Call me stupid, I don’t care. You may think I liked it. I don’t care.

I only needed comforting words and a hug. The rest, like he said, I’ll

“Chalk it up to experience, that’s the real world out there”

And the real world it is.

I was a fool

The pain is so intense, I'm so hurt....I cannot continue to feel this pain, I feel like ending my life, and all this will be over......

I gave you my whole, my soul, my honest and sincere love....I was a fool to believe you. I was a fool to believe that people change, I was an idiot to trust you when you said what you said.

Part of me bleeds because you made me believe that i'm the one who caused the hurt, but it's you, it's you that cause the hurt, you hurt me, and you say that I blame you?

I didn't do anything honey. I loved you. I tried to be the person that you preferred to be with. I'm a fool.

I cannot stand this pain, this ache. No one has hurt me this way.....

I'm afraid to give my heart to anyone else....I dare not even think of a relationship.....

My heart is still bleeding and I'm sick....I'm slowy dying....

I'm sorry for everything. I feel sorry for myself.

This hurt is too much to bear......

Hurt

Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday
When I saw your face
You told me how proud you were,
But I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..
By hurting you

I was right........

Life is just full of its mysteries. Four months of emotional investment and sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings, just ended like it never meant anything to begin with. Why does love have to hurt so badly? As I read my previous posts I realized that the scene was glaringly stating the obvious: That I should not , SHOULD NOT get into a relationship with Patrick, my first love.

When I walk down the past four months, flashes of good and bad memories past right in front of my eyes, revealing the times I exposed that of me which no one has ever seen, felt, or experienced. He called me everyday for the past for months- for four months I felt great knowing that someone out there loves me, even though we only met on a weekly basis.

There were so many signs pointing that I should run away from this relationship. Heck, even his best friend threw hints at me from the beginning but I just never got it.

He lied to me at the very beginning - that he doesn’t have a boyfriend. I believed him, of course until I uneventfully discovered that he actually does have a boyfriend! At that point, he did all he could to explain to me the reason why he had to lie. Me, being as dumb as an ass fell for his explanation. I looked back at moments where I brought myself so low-just so that he would feel good. Waited- for so long until he broke it off with his ex. Calmed him down whenever he turned angry, consoling him when he needed it, helping him with his bad childhood experience.

I gave so much. I’m not saying he didn’t. However, he was insensitive.

All I wanted was pure love and a little time. I didn’t demand much. I didn’t ask for gifts. I was not possessive, abusive or crazy like all his ex-boyfriends. I was understanding.

It hurt.

My friends revealed to me that I was not too happy about the relationship- I had more bad memories than good. Was I that blind? Why?

We had so much planned- my birthday, a holiday to Thailand, meeting my mum and my brother who calls him Uncle Patrick- all gone in one day’s notice.

It was clear that he wasn’t sincere about the relationship. He didn’t want it as bad as I wanted it. He was selfish. It was always about him. His way. His rules. His understanding. His dealings. When was it going to be about me?

He misunderstood when I asked him to take time to think if he really wants me in his life. He took the opportunity to twist my words and just took it as a break up. I have never cried so much. I cried crazy in front of him – hoping that some form of compassion will emerge from his cold, heartless soul to comfort me and give me what I want – 100% of his love. I gave 100% , and I don’t think it’s wrong to expect the same.

Ever since his ex became sick, he treated me coldly. I know he is the most important person in your life – you said it to my face- I’ll be stupid not to understand. I understood how important he is to you, but do you have to shove me aside? I am your lover god damn it, I will go through whatever problems you have with you. I’ll face them with great courage, if its that important to you. But why did you have to say such hurtful words?

I forgave whatever you said and did. I love you Patrick, I love you. You said you knew I loved you more than you did. Was that an indication for taking me for granted?

I begged you yesterday, to give us a second chance, because the naïve me sees a hope, a light at the end of every tunnel. I thought if you saw me, you will change your mind. Instead, you threw even more hurtful words at me. Why was I stupid to even stand there?

When will you see that no one, no one is going to treat you as well as I do? Probably the only person whom you can be with happily is with someone who is 100% like you.

I still love you Patrick. Why am I so deeply in love with you. Three days with hardly any sleep, food and water…Cried my eyes out….But looks like it’s not going to bring me what I want, - your love. I promised to be there with you all the time. I meant it. At least, I meant whatever I said; it was never a ‘figure of speech’.

I don’t know how I am going to continue now. Every single thing I look at brings me back to you. It may have been only four months, but it means the world to me. I can never open my heart again to anyone else. The heartache is unbearable- I feel like putting an end to all this, to take my LIFE away…..As it’s not worth living anymore if it’s not with you that I share my love with…..

I cannot take it Patrick – the wound is still bleeding. It hurts…….

I love you with all my heart and I worry how will you be after this…yet another relationship perhaps? That’s how you have lived your life anyway, from one relationship to another. Its pathetic.

I’m not sure if I should thank myself for the decision that I have made, because part of me wishes that I can go back time and change what has happened. But like I said, it was probably what you wanted.

Please take care of yourself Patrick. Change the way you are, please. It is not healthy.

I love you and always will love you.

Why does love have to hurt so bad……

My soul is nothing but a lifeless one right now, floating in mid air, unaware of its destination, sick and dying.

Somebody help me, please. I beg you.

I was right all along ...

LOVE is nothing but a fucked up ILLUSION

I just don't understand why it had to fuck me up.....